


unease

by sunshine_captain



Series: Sentiment [2]
Category: Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: Angst, M/M, Unrequited Love, bonded
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-15
Updated: 2017-03-15
Packaged: 2018-10-05 14:15:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,157
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10310093
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunshine_captain/pseuds/sunshine_captain
Summary: Two weeks after his pon farr and their bonding, Spock still hasn't accepted what he did to Jim.





	

**Author's Note:**

> This is the sequel to Willing. You might want to read that one first!

Spock is on the bridge reading their new orders for the next mission when he feels it. Jim is nudging at their bond experimentally. Spock is used to feeling Jim prod at the bond. It has been two point four weeks since his pon farr ended, and in that time he's grown accustomed to the fact that Jim often reaches for the bond for no other reason than to feel that it's there. He likes to feel that connection between them.

If Spock focuses and reaches back, he would be able to feel even more clearly Jim's utter contentment and happiness at the way they're linked. Jim is remarkably satisfied with being bound to Spock for life, despite his lack of romantic attachment to Spock.

Spock wishes Jim hated him now. Resented him. Anything negative. It would be so much easier for Spock to live with this if Jim wasn't so content with the situation. He'll never be able to forgive himself for what he's done to Jim. If he had just had more control...if he had just kept his feelings better concealed...

If he wasn't half human.

Spock realizes he's gripping the padd in his hands so tightly he's denting it, and he forces himself to inhale deeply and loosen his hold on it. He is in dire need of meditation. He always is, ever since the bonding.

Jim went into this so willingly, and he remains so. Spock has yet to feel Jim express any unhappiness about what Spock did to him. To _them._

He's spent his entire life struggling to keep his emotions under control, but he lost the battle the moment he met James Kirk. When the man destined to be his new captain materialized on the transporter platform. Spock had a great amount of respect for his captain of many years, Pike, as a man who commanded successfully and professionally and kept his distance from his crew. When he'd learned the identity of Pike's successor, he had looked at his official record and, based upon the fact that he was the youngest person ever to be granted captaincy, assumed he would be an arrogant man who was drunk upon his rapid rise through the ranks.

When Jim stepped off the platform and came to a stop in front of Spock a respectful distance away, held up his hand in the ta'al and smiled dazzlingly, expressing sincere delight and surprise at being chosen to captain the Fleet's flagship and at working with someone as well known and respected as Spock... Spock had known then that all his assumptions had been wrong and that this man would be the one that would always surprise him, always go far beyond his expectations. 

The one that would make Spock feel he truly belonged. The one that would make Spock's heart race absurdly any time his captain smiled at him. The one that would make Spock _want._

And now, because Jim is a good man, who loves his friends too deeply, he is bound to Spock forever. 

If Spock did not feel for Jim the way that he does, it would be easier. If it was merely a platonic bond on both ends, it would be bearable. Perhaps. Jim would still be tied to him, but they would be merely friends and it would be nothing but pure necessity on both ends. 

It is not that way, though, and wishing it was is both illogical and pointless. Spock knows dwelling on the situation the way that he does serves no purpose, but he doesn't have the control to stop himself. Jim has eroded his barriers to a frightening extent. Feeling that beautiful, dynamic mind constantly pressing against his... It breaks him down until all he wants to do is to meld with Jim and dive fully into his mind, to stay there as long as Jim permits it.

Jim would let him. He enjoys their melds. He would give Spock almost anything he wished, and that alone means that Spock cannot. He cannot take any more advantage of Jim than he already has.

Spock spends most of his time attempting to control what filters through the bond. He doesn't want Jim to feel his guilt and anguish over what he's done, or Jim will start to blame himself and feel that he forced Spock into this. So he keeps very little from crossing through their link, while Jim is very open with his end and sends through his happiness, the joy he gets from feeling so close to Spock. He doesn't know how to shield the way that Spock does, at any rate.

All of this is to say nothing of his physical desire for Jim. It's less difficult to handle than his want to wrap himself in Jim's mind, but it's still difficult. Jim is beautiful, and Spock no longer has nothing but his imagination to rely on as to what being with Jim would be like. They were together during the pon farr, and— he remembers— 

_Jim, beautiful and sweating, flushed with arousal. So achingly gentle with Spock, encouraging, his hands on Spock's body, teaching him the way to move and to bring pleasure, whispering that, “It's okay to let go Spock, I'm here, let it go, there you go...god, beautiful.” No secrets between them, their minds open to each other, so that Spock could feel the pleasure Jim was receiving, that he was enjoying everything that happened between them, his love for Spock enfolding him, his acceptance when Spock rasped out ancient Vulcan words of adoration. Hours and hours of pleasure and love._

_He felt that Jim had thought that he would be rough, perhaps even cruel, and still he'd agreed to it... But Spock was gentle, Jim was his bondmate, no Vulcan would ever harm their partner. Spock was gentle and saw to Jim's pleasure and poured words into his mind and skin, vows to stay by his side forever, take care of him, always protect him._

He remembers it all, and it moves to the front of his mind as he takes his leave of the bridge and heads for his quarters. When he isn't occupied with responsibilities his mind tends to wander back to those feverish hours of pleasure, Jim soaking the both of them with his sweat, the experience they shared...that Spock dragged Jim into.

In the privacy of his room, he bows his head and allows the despair to sweep over him. His captain's dynamic spirit, no longer free but chained to him for life. To someone that Jim doesn't even love.

Spock knows how deeply Jim feels love. He is a romantic to his core, and to him being in love is one of the most beautiful experiences. And he will never allow himself to feel that again, because Jim also values loyalty and fidelity incredibly highly, and he in all likelihood would view it as cheating on Spock if he ever sought out the company of another while they're bonded.

He needs to speak of this to Jim. 

Moments later, Jim enters through the door to their shared bathroom. Spock is startled but doesn't reveal it beyond a raised eyebrow.

Jim smiles. “I guess you weren't paying attention to what you were sending, but I felt that you wanted to see me.” He taps his head, unnecessarily.

“Captain, I must speak to you of...of the link,” Spock begins, reluctantly. It is difficult to overcome a lifetime of training never to speak of such private things out loud, even after Jim helped him through pon farr, after he witnessed Spock so vulnerable.

“I'm all ears, Spock.” Jim sits where he customarily does when they play chess. His posture is far more relaxed and at ease than Spock's.

He wants to call him captain again, but he owes Jim more than that. He doesn't have the right to try to distance himself from this conversation when it is his fault that it's necessary to have it at all. “Jim. You are human, and I am aware that you have certain needs, and that you are accustomed to at least occasional sexual release.”

“Is that what's got you so upset? Spock, sit down.” Jim waits patiently until Spock obeys. “First of all, I have to disagree with you. Sexual release isn't a _need._ It's nice, sure, but I would definitely hesitate before I elevated it to the level of importance of other things.” _Food,_ Spock hears but Jim doesn't say it aloud. _Food, and shelter. Love._ “And when I do feel the need for it, I can gain it perfectly well alone. It's nice to have another person there, but not necessary. Besides...”

Jim leans forward over the table and rests a hand on Spock's. Unprepared for the contact, Spock almost jerks away from pure reflex, and then again when he reads Jim's thoughts. _This doesn't need to be a problem. You have needs, too. Don't try to pretend you don't. We can take care of it together, just like we did your pon farr._

Spock does pull his hand out from under Jim's. He stands and paces as far away from Jim as he can get in his small quarters. He should have expected this. He deduced from their mental contact during the pon farr that Jim is both attracted to men and has had sexual arrangements with friends in the past. He would commend the logic behind the latter if he were less...affected by the notion of having a continuing arrangement with Jim. He cannot have sexual contact with Jim again. It means too much to him and not enough to Jim.

“No, Jim,” he says, when he's gathered himself enough to speak of the issue without revealing his distress in his voice. “I do not have sexual needs as a human does when I am not in pon farr. When you desire to gain release with another, you may do so. We are not in a relationship. You have no obligation to me. Our link was necessary to preserve my life, but it will not affect me if you engage sexually with someone else.”

He is lying. It will affect him deeply. Not just the knowledge that Jim is bonded to him but seeking out someone else for pleasure, but he will feel everything. Jim doesn't know the extent of what can be felt through the bond. He knows they felt each other's pleasure during pon farr, but he doesn't realize that if Spock were to have sex with someone, he would feel every sensation as if he were there, melded with Spock during the act itself. 

He will never find out, because Spock will never seek anyone else out. He could not. He is Vulcan, and Vulcans do not, cannot, be with anyone other than their bondmate. It is far too much of a betrayal. Jim is a human, and he is not in love with Spock, and he doesn't know that every moment of his encounters, Spock will be achingly aware of every sensation and emotion Jim feels.

“Spock...”

Spock hears Jim's hurt, his desire to comfort, to make it better. He feels Jim's unhappiness at Spock distancing himself through the bond. Spock wants to soothe his pain but cannot. 

“I wish to meditate now.” He crosses to his mat and sits, making it clear to Jim that he wants to be alone.

He hears him exit the room, but doesn't look. Jim will know he has the freedom to be with others, now. He will do his best to return to being content with his friendship with Jim. They will go back to how things were between them before. Before the pon farr, before the bond... And the bond itself will be simply something that exists between them. Perhaps it will even be useful the next time Jim is captured and they are searching for him.

The only way to break the bond would be for Spock to undergo Kohlinahr and sever all emotional ties to his previous life. It seems such an extreme step, and yet.

To free Jim from the bond, to rid Spock of the pain of his one-sided regard for his captain...

It doesn't seem so unreasonable.

Spock opens his eyes, seeing a new possibility, a new solution. Their mission will be over in eight months. Jim has already been making plans to get a job at Starfleet Academy teaching while he waits for the Enterprise to be refitted, has discussed living close to or even with Spock and McCoy. Spock's plan would cause Jim no small amount of distress.

 _Kaiidth._ It is what must be done. For everyone's sake.

Spock goes back to meditating, his new resolve to do what he must overruling his guilt over the hurt he still feels radiating from Jim. 

He will right the wrong he has perpetuated upon Jim.


End file.
